Skip to main content

The Beautiful Chaos of a Newborn



It's at this moment - at precisely 7am - that I realised my baby is no longer a newborn. How? You ask, well it all started when I went to pick him up from his Moses basket and found his head at one end and his feet wriggling at the other and thinking I really need to move this little guy to his cot. Then it was the new gurgling sounds he's never made before and a big grin on his face (which never ceases to make my heart melt). 
After his feed I placed him on his playmat and proceeded to make my first of many coffees that day, I came back a few minutes and found he'd rotated a good 90° and is now lying with his head on the carpet and body on the mat. My baby is no longer a newborn.
When I feed him; instead of falling into a blissful sleep he now turns his head at the slightest sound and disrupts the feed, only to look back at me and with his wide, marble-like eyes and proceed to melt my heart again. 
To say I'm grieving his newborn stage might be a bit much. But I am. I know I won't get it back. The body that will curl up like a bunny, or more accurately a scrunched up sausage, every time I picked him up. The eyes that refused to open to the world and wanted to keep everything dark like it was in the womb. The tiny hands that gripped my finger when I fed him. And beyond anything, the newborn cry, the - almost - squeaky sound that comes first, followed by the familiar 'Wah Wah Wah'. You forget these simple pleasures when your baby grows, and they start to speak and move and walk.

The great thing about being a parent, is watching your kids grow. With each stage of their lives comes new challenges and new accomplishments that continue to make us proud. Both my kids make me immensely proud every single day, though some days are hard, they are always worth it. Parenting a baby and a toddler has been more of a learning experience than a challenge. I've learnt of new strengths I didn't know I had, I've seen my daughter in new eyes, I've seen her grow to become a caring, loving sister to her baby brother. The way she'd run to him when he cried; sure I'd quickly follow her as I know she can be a little rough when she gets excited, but I would always stand by the door and watch her, as she searched for his pacifier, saying 'Shhh baby' while stuffing it in his wailing mouth a little too hard but with love all the same - well, most of the time it's love!

Some days it really helps to get out of the house, my daughter's favourite spot in the library ^


My hardest challenge during this time was finding a balance between the different individual needs of my children. You might think my toddler is old enough not to need me anymore but she does. She needs me now more than ever, she needs to know I will always be there for her and sometimes it's hard. I'd either be feeding my newborn or catching up with the piling housework and she'd come to me with a paper and crayon and say 'Mama Flower' which in her language means 'Mama draw a flower for me'. It's easy at that moment to shoo her away and tell her I'd do it later but it means the world to her if I stopped what I was doing and made time for her. It is hard though. And I found that throughout the day an ugly monster keeps rearing its head and creeping behind me, I like to call it Mama Guilt, every mistake, every wrong word, every angry moment I would feel this monster approaching and trying to turn me into a failure. When both kids are crying, and I don't know who to comfort first, when the house is a garbage pit and I haven't even brushed my hair that morning I think to myself;
"Should I have had another baby?"
"Can I really do this?"
"I can't do this"
Then I look at my two beautiful children, both breathing, both fed, both alive, sure they might be screaming and crying. but they're alive and I tell myself
"I can do this"
And that's all it takes to get by, day after day, pick myself up and get going.




Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Lady In The Other Hospital Bed

Storytime! I hope you're sitting comfortably because this is a story you'll want to read, there's a moral behind it, and it's true! Here we go... The news of my first pregnancy brought me so much joy; I was thrilled to be pregnant and to carry life, I was excited about being a mum and having a bump, I was looking forward to the 'pregnancy glow' and feeling the little kicks and hiccups I'd heard so much about from other mums. I was not prepared for what came the next 8 months and it certainly wasn't what I had expected. From about week 6 of my pregnancy, I had the usual symptoms including feeling tired, bloated and what I thought was regular morning sickness. But it turned out to be Hyperemesis Gravidarum  (pretty sure I spelt that right - I hope) in layman's terms it's basically morning sickness but throughout the day and every day and to the point, you can't swallow solids - including the prenatal vitamins and barely any water thro

The Joys Of The Last Month Of Pregnancy!

Hi there! I hope you could sense the hint of sarcasm in the title because I think the last month of pregnancy is by far the least joyful out of all the months. It comes with a rollercoaster of emotions from excitement to disappointment to excitement to disappointment to 'yes! finally!' to frustration to exhaustion to hopelessness and finally relief. Whenever a friend of mine would get pregnant and reach the last couple of weeks I always tell them 'Keep a diary of your last couple of days', 'Get some sleep while you still can' and a lot more advice that I now know are complete nonsense ! I don't know how I was allowed to keep believing that I was making any sense at all! It's only when you actually hit that 36/37 week mark that time slows down remarkably! The hours of each day stretch longer and I can swear the week has at least 10 days! And to make matters worse while you watch your due date slip further away each day you are constantly on edge and

Positive Parenting - Can It Be Done?

I'm a positive person; at least I think I am.  I wake up happy and go to bed happy.  I always look for the silver lining or the bright side of things.  However, I am a mum of two and with that responsibility comes a great sacrifice; my patience and positivity.  Now my happiness relies almost entirely on how strong my coffee is...how many times it had to be reheated and why...whether I had to repeat myself half a dozen times and the only thing that could have possibly made my day positive was if the cleaning fairy paid a visit, took all the mess away with her and left some coins (or notes!).  Of course my children bring me joy and happiness. Seeing them after a long day makes everything better, makes everything sweeter and makes everything worth it. But it's not always fairies and unicorns and glitter. Some days are rough. And it is those days that really test my patience and unleash the negative, angry, complaining, grouchy mummy - that doesn't help thoug